May 30, 2008

Read 'em and veep

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

Hit shows like "American Idol" and "Dancing With the Stars You've Vaguely Heard Of" may be done for another year, but the viewing public continues to enjoy the nation's longest running reality show, "So You Want to Be America's Next Top President," starring John McCain, Barack Obama and, for the time being, Hillary Clinton.

While viewers were riveted last season by such memorable episodes as "Clinton's Cackle," "I'll Take John Edwards' Haircuts for $400, Alex" and "You Can't Spell 9iu11iani without 9-11," the upcoming season should prove equally gripping as Obama and McCain search for the perfect running mates. To maximize viewer interest, producers have promised to bring back some of our favorite characters from seasons past, including Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Joe Lieberman and, of course, Omarossa.

Much of the current suspense in the so-called "Veepstakes" centers on whether Obama will offer the VP spot to Hillary. Clinton's supporters claim she has proven she deserves to join Obama's ticket by running a strong second, garnering substantial support from working-class whites and by spending the last six months tirelessly explaining what a catastrophic disaster an Obama presidency would be. And while being such a harsh critic of the front-runner might not seem like a good qualification for vice president, there is ample precedent of former rivals joining to form presidential tickets, whether Kerry-Edwards in 2004, Clinton-Gore in 1992, Reagan-Bush in 1980 or Ali-Frazier in 1976.

I admit that at one time I harbored vice presidential ambitions of my own. With Dan Quayle as my model, I felt that my years as a humor columnist, what with all the sleeping in, watching "The Price is Right" and sitting around the house in my underwear, would make for a seamless transition into the role of vice president.

Sadly, it appears that my big mistake was publicly admitting I wanted the job. Another strange aspect of the race for vice president is that candidates must categorically deny any interest in the position, even up to and through inauguration day.

Now that I'm out of the running, I'm free to offer helpful tips to other prospective vice presidential candidates. As with the Miss America pageant, the contest for a VP slot often comes down to the interview portion of the competition. Following are a few of the more common job interview questions candidates are likely to face, along with my suggestions for the best responses:

- Where do you see yourself in five years?

This question is designed to trip up interviewees who aren't planning on sticking with the company for very long. Don't fall into this trap! Avoid the common mistake of saying, "Well, after you blow the general election, I'll have built up the name recognition and financial backing to run in 2012, so in five years I guess I'll be president. Pretty sweet, huh?" Instead, try something like, "In five years I see myself in the same place I'll be every day between now and then - wherever you want me to be, Mr. President."

- What was the last good book you read?

Since both Obama and McCain have authored multiple books, you may be tempted to suck up by naming their recently published works. But that's too obvious. To underscore that you're making every preparation to step into the role of second banana, refer to titles like "Trying Harder: The Story of Avis Rent-A-Car," "Winning the Buffalo Bills Way" and "You Are Correct, Sir," the autobiography of Ed McMahon.

- What do you hope to get out of this job?

Answer this question honestly and you'll talk about perks like free room and board, choice seating at State of the Union addresses and being able to add a cool whitehouse.gov e-mail address to your Facebook profile. But to strengthen your candidacy for this particular job, explain that attending many foreign leaders' funerals will allow you to combine your twin loves of overseas travel and mortuary science.

- Are you proficient with MSWord, Excel, Windows Vista and PowerPoint?

Much like aspiring actors, who quickly learn to "embellish" their list of talents for casting directors, vice presidential candidates should always answer "yes" to any skills-related question, regardless of whether the question is if you can touch-type, ride a horse, dance the tango, speak Portuguese or perform an emergency appendectomy using only a paring knife and an ice cream scoop. Remember, you can always pick up extra skills on the job. Why, did you know that before joining the Bush ticket, Dick Cheney had never shot a single elderly lawyer in the face?

While these tips do not guarantee success, they should nevertheless help VP candidates shine during the interview process, and hopefully make up for any ground lost during the swimsuit competition. Otherwise, good luck and, as we say in the Veepstakes business, may the second-best man - or woman - win!

To purchase Malcolm Fleschner's award-winning self-published self-help book, "Second-best Is Good Enough," e-mail Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.